So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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