the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
