shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
