would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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