I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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