she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
