Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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