I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize