and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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