This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
