I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
