Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
