My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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