I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
