if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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