Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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