Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
