According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
