It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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