I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
