It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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