i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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