That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
