So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
