so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
