im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
