I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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