I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
babies were throwing up all over the place
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
