i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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