I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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