dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
