Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Need sex. Gaining weight.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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