Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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