I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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