I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I pour the whiskey from now on
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
