Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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