I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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