I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
