you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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