wakey wakey hands off snakey
i barfeds in our rink
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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