This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
