I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
