he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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