:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
