i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
