she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
