Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
