I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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