If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
