what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
