then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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