i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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