He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
