My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
