i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
