Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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