Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
