Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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