she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
