I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
