It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
