Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
