I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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