Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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